Sentiments of the Automaton (Pyxis)

[Crux]

Sand could seep through the cracks of a machine and cause very irritating issues with its ability to function. Bandages surrounded his body, preventing internal scratching... which wouldn't be a problem for a combat android in the first place. Exposure to a little sand is nothing that can be compared to being frozen or taking a myriad of lightning bolts to the face. Therefore, worry had no place in Crux's mind when he stared up at the sliver of a crescent moon. The white sickle reflected off of the ocean's surface, drawing his sad eyes toward the water.

It looked like it was mocking him, a sideways grin making a joke out of his existence. But, he understood the moon better than most. He knew of its loneliness, the only things keeping it company being the stars that might as well be dust bunnies underneath the couch of the sky. How insignificant their lights were compared to the large, looming, and bleached sphere outshining them all.

The rising of the moon came with man's falling to slumber. Everything was repulsed by the pale luna. Darkness was its only true company. Why else would it be that the moon holds the most significance to the Shadows? It is that rejected darkness that they could bathe in. Their essences were one and the same. 

Ironic, that. Crux, the Moon, slaughtered those seeking solace within his self. What else could this mass in the sky do but repel and bring others to sleep? The android slipped his hands into his pockets, the breeze shifting his jacket and the bandages dangling from the open ends of his sleeves.

[Pyxis]

Sand and saltwater seemed like they would be the death of any machine, be it a boombox from the 90s or a current generation living weapon. Grains of sand weren't smooth, after all. They were small and jagged and could cause considerable damage to electronic components. And saltwater had that, plus all the usual problems of mixing water with electrical equipment. But fortunately, unless she deliberately opened herself up, Pyxis was protected against both. A walk along the beach was as harmless for her as it was for any human.

Of course, she rarely had much cause to come out here. Tonight was...well, she called it a whim. Every now and then, when her energy was depleted too far to continue fighting shadows, and video games weren't catching her interest at the moment, she got the urge to go and do something she usually wouldn't. And on even rarer cases, she started to feel philosophical. Tonight had ended up being some mix of both, so she had chosen to satisfy both urges by taking a walk on the beach.

The breeze would probably have felt gentle to a human. Pyxis didn't mind it either, although she knew the sensations would be different between them. Just like the sight of fireworks, or the sound of music, or the warmth of another. Pyxis could experience all of them, but the sensations were very different between a human and a machine with artificial senses. But they were both pleasant in their own ways. Could her siblings experience them too? Or was that yet another way in which Pyxis was different from them?

...Well, perhaps there would be a chance to find out. Up ahead, Pyxis spotted a familiar figure standing and staring up at the moon. On a closer inspection she identified him as one of her siblings. The name escaped her, but she distinctly remembered sensing a personality module and seeing his nature in combat. He would probably recognize her as well. ...No, most likely everyone who had seen her during the major fights under the full moon knew what she was by now. The finger guns, after all, were a dead giveaway.

"Hey," she said, approaching the fellow combat android. "I don't think we've gotten much of a chance to talk before. How has this assignment been treating you?"

[Crux]

The least that he wished for in his moment of silence was the voice of one of his siblings. They seemed like they were holding up, so why would they need to communicate? There were more competent fighters than themselves that deserved their attention. He would've attached himself to Vice should he had not been killed by his Shadow. A shame that was, but moving on was the only option for him. Strangely, others cried and grew angry for him. Did their relationships take root further than his? Or, is he just that heartless?

Crux turned around in response to the voice, a brow raised in an inquisitive manner. His gentle-seeming face tipped a whisper to his fellow Weapon. Of all of the people to meet him in this lonely night, it would be her. Yes, he remembered her. She was active in multiple alpha-grade Shadow extermination operations. Her power was nothing to scoff at either, perhaps coming from her experience possibly exceeding his, if quantified, fourfold.

"Oh. Good evening," he responded to the greeting. There was moderate surprise in his voice, yet his relative natural calmness didn't break. Crux pulled his hands from his pockets and rested them on his sides. It would not hurt to have someone join him for conversation. Except, it could not be said if that question were to be presented to him. "I..." How could he reply with something other than 'no, I hate it and I wish I died'?

"Do you... occasionally find yourself hating your existence? As if you were built to forever be a slave to an impossible goal?"

The android's head pivoted off to the side, attempting to prevent eye contact. Clearly, the question distressed him. He was more used to the casual conversation of humans, where he would be least likely to discuss himself in terms of being inorganic.

[Pyxis]

Surprise. That was how Pyxis would categorize the boy's reaction. It didn't break through his calm demeanor, but he definitely seemed to be surprised by her presence. But that only lasted for a moment, and quickly transitioned into difficulty finding a reply. Pyxis waited, patiently, for the response to come, although she could tell from his initial hesitation that it would not be a positive one.

But then, instead, a question came, asking if Pyxis found herself hating her existence. Was that his answer as well? Did he hate that he was built for such an insurmountable-seeming task? Pyxis frowned. Yes, it was a difficult cross to bear, but she never found herself hating herself for it. Her nature, maybe. Being clearly inhuman was...difficult, at times, more so when she found herself thinking about Alisa, but her existence itself? Not that she could remember.

"No," she answered plainly. "I can't say that I do. Even if it's forever overshadowed by my mission, I've enjoyed what life I've had so far. Do I wish I could change some things about myself? Absolutely. But I don't hate my existence." She tried to meet her fellow machine's eyes, but noticed that he was avoiding it. Something that could have been easily corrected by moving until he was facing her again, but she decided against it.

"And that goal...I don't believe it's really impossible."

[Crux]

"Are we speaking of the same mission?" he asked, closing his eyes and turning back to the ocean. "The complete destruction of the Shadows here would be a large feat that none of the Users together, even in their current states, could ever fulfill. To add on to this, there are sentients running about." One hand lifted up to be level his shoulder, its palm turned face up. Crux then proceeded to place it over his face and shook his head in shame and despondency. Or, was he holding in laughter at the hilarity of the statement?

'Enjoy' was another trigger word. Knowing that there is a leash around one's neck, how can someone like them possibly 'enjoy' anything about their situation here? It might have been jealousy that he felt, ultimately. Crux removed his hand from his face and completely wheeled around to face Pyxis directly. His eyes opened to show her something that many had seen before: torment and pain. They looked as if tears could fall out of them at any time. The concept of a 'teardrop' dripping down his delicate face was laughably improbable, however. 

"My sister, you are something that could only come from a dream. You hold the banner of free will while the sword of duty still dangles from the flag, meanwhile it is I who panics at the sight of its tip pointing down at my head. However, the only answer to this is to erase the sword from the image. This loops back to our mission." Multiple answers were already being considered, but all of them were disagreeable to the moral codes of society. A temporary band-aid was attempted; who knows what effectiveness that had. 

Crux sighed, waving his hand as he tried to sweep away the topic. It tended to be taxing on his mind to discuss these issues. It might be preferable to approach her as he would a human. "How have you been? And while this is going on, I would love to know your designation. I am Unit #011, Crux."

[Pyxis]

Pain. That much was clearly evident in her brother's expression. And it was clear from his words that he could not understand how Pyxis saw the world. An impossible mission, that would always and forever hang over them. Maybe it seemed that way. But Pyxis still believed that there was a way to accomplish it. Approaching it directly, as they had been, however, would only take them so far. She still wasn't strong enough, and didn't know enough about shadows, to take that extra step yet. But the sight of that goal alone was enough to give Pyxis hope that it wasn't impossible.

"Why not just take the sword in hand, then?" Pyxis asked in response to the metaphor presented to her. It wouldn't 'erase' the sword, but it was still an improvement. To make that duty one's own, rather than letting it control them. But perhaps her fellow weapon wasn't capable or inclined to think that way. "Ah, never mind. It's just something I've been thinking about for awhile."

Soon after, however, Crux changed the subject and introduced himself. "Unit #014, Pyxis," Pyxis answered, offering a hand to shake. Whether Crux took it or not, Pyxis continued. "I've been good, actually. I've had my ups and downs, here, and while I certainly can't say I'm care free, I can say I'm content. For the time being, of course."

[Crux]

"Take the sword in hand?", Crux repeated. He hadn't thought of it that way. But, he didn't understand it at all. The mission was something that was programmed and engraved into his very being. He was built to follow the mission, and he had so far been doing as much as he was capable of to complete the mission. What else could he do but live for the mission? He gave it some serious assessment, coming to a variety of conclusions that would make sense... to him, at the very least. The android kept them in mind, pushing them off to the side for analysis.

"It is good to meet with you, Uni- erm, Pyxis." There was difficulty with addressing her by name; he had always imagined himself calling his siblings by their unit numbers. Due to his sister's more 'human-ish' behavior, it would be better to converse with her as if she was one of them. Why was it so difficult, knowing that she wasn't?  Something raged inside of him, something that he did not like at all. He carefully went to shake her hand, being the first to withdraw it. Just another thing he didn't know robots did.

The conversation needed to keep moving, and he needed to keep questions toward himself to a minimum. It was in his nature to come up with some sort of reply to every question that he was given in a one-on-one discussion, like how he was forced to respond to the scientists and robotics engineers in charge of his being. "...What kind of ups and downs? What have you been occupied with besides the... objective?" By learning more about her, Crux could try to follow her example. Perhaps?

[Pyxis]

Pyxis noted Crux's response to her suggestion, but didn't say any more on it. That was something he would have to figure out himself, like she had. Another person could not make the choice to turn someone's bindings into an asset for them. They could only apply those bindings in the first place. She accepted the subject change and moved on, noting now that Crux almost responded with her unit designation, then quickly switched to her name. Pyxis smiled at that. Were it not that those of her siblings she had met so far introduced themselves by unit number first, then by the name they were given, Pyxis would have never given anything but her name, herself. To her, the unit number was only a title, and not a core part of her identity. An outdated title at that: just a relic of the time before she had earned her name.

"Likewise," Pyxis said, nodding as Crux quickly but carefully shook her hand. He then followed up her response by asking what she'd been up to and what sort of ups and downs she'd experienced. "A lot of the usual. Playing video games, talking with anyone who will listen, making friends, making possible enemies. Just exploring the city, whether it be the shadow-infested outside or just looking around the safe zone. Trying out new things as I'm able and they're brought to my attention. I actually wanted to go skiing, but the slopes had already closed by the time I heard about it." She let out a small sigh and gave a disappointed look, but it quickly faded. "I've also taken up people watching every now and then too, now that I actually see people other than my handlers and siblings on a regular basis. And on top of everything else...actually, I think I've fallen for someone."

She had added the last part entirely out of curiosity. She wanted to know how he, as a fellow machine, would react to the idea of someone like her loving someone. Or if he would react at all, for that matter. Maybe it wasn't strange enough to elicit one. Maybe it was completely unheard of. Either way, she wanted to know.

[Crux]

The world worked against the android, or it was the other way around. The activities that Pyxis involved herself with spoke volumes; they were totally different in almost every way save for what they were and their reasons for being here in this city. It was clear that she involved herself more with communicating with others. What about Crux? He sat in his dorm room, reading books all day, every day unless he bothered himself to go outside for a few hours of 'human-watching'. Making friends was not on his to-do list, as he found them irrelevant to the mission. There was a pattern with his thinking, wasn't there? The android depended everything in his life to the successful execution of the mission.

This was unable to be corrected, as doing so would be like abandoning the mission. Logic continued to loop around itself, like the endless curve of the ouroboros, and Crux knew that he hadn't the will to break free. As the list continued on, it only made his eyes gloomier and gloomier. The cherry on top of it all was that last statement. To 'fall' for someone was to fall down and trip in someone else's stead, yes? It wasn't what he thought it meant, yes? The context and that pause didn't further suggest that it wasn't what he thought it meant, yes?

"I... see," he shakily responded. All along, it was possible. Being able to 'feel' was an ability that he should be able to possess. But, why couldn't he 'feel'? All that his senses could encapsulate were the rushes of thrill in battle, the throbbing pain of a Shadow's appearance, and the sheer agony of living without knowing anything of human emotion despite all of this time studying it.

"Ha... ha..."

Finally, something inside of his cracked. All of the sudden, the android began laughing... uncontrollably. A single hand on his head provided no assistance in restraining it all. It was impossible. He shivered and grasped at his side, mimicking a pained body. It was impossible. Slowly, Crux returned to his senses (not really). "You.... you... you are very interesting. It's like you've become human. If you have the capacity for love, then it must be the case, sister. You can experience these 'things' called 'emotions'. They swirl in your head, don't they?"

More laughter. "From all of my observations, the human 'heart' is a chaotic little thing that has more potential to hurt than to bring peace.  Selfishness, lust, anger... we've both seen our fair share. I'm amazed at my still-burning desire for one, despite all that is wrong about it. That, in itself, is an example of this negativity. But, I hold it all back. It adds up to the probability of me deviating from the mission after all, huh? So, sister, you embrace this anarchic conceptual construction that defines being 'human'. You are very interesting indeed." 

[Pyxis]

Pyxis carefully watched Crux's reaction as she spoke. First, it just seemed to make him gloomier. She frowned at that, for a second, but kept going. The last part, after all, was what she wanted to know how he'd react to.

And then, it came. It was a faint, shaky response at first. One that seemed almost pained, despite how little there was to it. And then, he started laughing. Faintly, at first, and then uncontrollably. That...was not what she was expecting from Crux. Had she brought out something different in him? Or had he just...snapped?

When he spoke, it seemed like some mix of the two of them. He spoke of her ability to experience emotions, as though that was something almost unheard of. Well...maybe that was the case. She always remembered being more emotional than most of the siblings she had experience with. More...animated, was the word the researchers used. Perhaps Crux was on to something here. But, even if she'd embraced humanity in a mental sense, her body would remain the same. Was there no way to get around that? ...That was probably not something that Crux could help with. "Yes, I can experience emotions. I have for most of my 'life'. Most of the time, it's as natural as fighting shadows. Although, I'm aware that I'm unusual in that regard."

Crux continued to laugh, but Pyxis's on expression went solemn. She closed her eyes for a second, thinking over what she might say in response to Crux. "Yes, I embrace it. Both the good and the bad of it. I can't and won't deny that the human heart has the capacity to do harm. But they have the capacity to do great thing as well. We are, after all, the product of humans. Whether that speaks good or bad of us, I'm not sure. But you have to admire what they've accomplished. And. even if we were to go simpler than that, I've grown fond of talking with them. All over this city, I've seen people who are being forced to face their weaknesses and overcome them. Some...more successfully than others, of course." Yes, there was Vice. Vice, who had struggled so hard to gain power and overcome anything in his way through sheer strength, and who, according to Holly, had just given up in the end. But there was also Alisa, who had suffered through a loss that had nearly sent her into a murderous rage against shadows, but who, eventually and with some help from Pyxis, had managed to recover and grow past that. And who had even managed to survive and triumph over her potential to do harm when it manifested as a shadow. If that didn't speak well of the good in the human heart, Pyxis wasn't sure what would.

[Crux]

"You insist on further deviating from the mission. 'Talking' to the civilians is nowhere in our objective. 'Seeing' people and their struggles for little legitimate reason is irrelevant as well. But, most importantly... falling in love is a direct impediment to what we must do here. We came here to kill Shadows, not dilly-dally with the human populace." Crux was a hypocrite in this regard. He himself found the humans interesting. In fact, his analyses and independent studies were deep enough to fill one and a half notebooks. Who was he to tell another person that humans were to be completely disregarded?

Ugh, his head hurt. The machine was beating out the humanity that he possessed. It was standing over humanity's body while slamming a piano over its head; that was how badly the android was losing his mind and, subsequently, his attachment to the fleshlings. Flip. One of his blades flew from his forearm, armed and at the ready. The other hand cradled Crux's head. "I'm a fool, a hypocrite, and a goddamn tool to this 'objective'...! We were given the means to feel, yet they expect us to fulfill a task that would likely become impossible at the rate we're going. At that point, experimentation with human culture and psychology would be inevitable. Why do they keep us caged in with these... beasts, urging us to beat on it with sticks while an open door is just a few short steps away?!"

Flip. The blade was aimed at his own chest, threatening to rip it open. "No. Despite all that you've said, humans are still the most fragile things on this planet. Despite all of their efforts to master that which ails them and the successes that tend to be few and far in between, they die off easily.  They're gullible and uncivil. Logically, we would be better off disregarding them entirely. Their contretemps are nothing compared to what we have to deal with. If their share our struggle? Good for them. But if the mission depends on it, I would be ready to kill them."

Flip. "This is why I hate this; I hate it that this is permissible, that there is little chance of us living normally alongside them. I hate living this hollow life as this hollow shell, being human only in shape." The blade cut into his clothing, but upon reaching his bandaged frame, it retracted back into the arm as it fell limp. Weapons systems and motor functions of the right arm have been automatically disabled. Sorrowfully, Crux drooped his head and body."...Give me a reason to keep living. If you say that I need to stay alive for the sake of saving them, then you'd be wrong. 

"I have determined that wiping out all human life in this city would be the best way to deal with the Shadow influence. By starving out their source of nourishment, they would slowly die off. It's disgusting of me to even consider this possibility."

[Pyxis]

Clearly, Crux didn't see things the way Pyxis did at all. His response came off as a reprimand. No, it almost certainly was. Pyxis felt her hand curling into a fist next to her. An oddly involuntary motion for what she was. But there it was. She felt like shouting in response. Telling him he was wrong and putting him in his place. But she knew, on some level, that he was at least partially right. Blending into society only went so far before she was going beyond the scope of what she was supposed to be doing. Her feelings for Alisa were absolutely outside of that. But was she to be denied that because of what she was? Everything human-like about her that she had displayed back at the lab had been encouraged. Even such a wasteful activity as playing video games. So why not this as well?

Who was he to tell her otherwise?

As Crux continued, Pyxis only felt the sensation growing. Everything he said only served to irritate her even more, from the continued self-loathing to the reassurance that fulfilling their mission was impossible to the insults leveled at humans, to the implication that he would kill them if he had to. It was wrong. It was insulting, both to their fellow machines and to humanity. 'Better off disregarding them?' Hah. She'd be scattered in pieces across the shadowlands by now if it weren't for the people she met here. Or failing that, she would have ended like her hammer-wielding sister, dragged back devoid of energy to never be heard of again. She owed these people for who and where she was now.

And then, after trying and failing to impale himself on his own blade, Crux laid on the last straw. He demanded a reason to keep living, and followed it up with the proclamation that wiping out the humans of the city would be the best way to defeat the shadows. At that point, Pyxis could take no more. She drew her fist back, and drove it straight into Crux's face.

She stepped away, looking back at Crux with an expression of pure rage. "And what would that accomplish?! Even if it does work, you know as well as I or anyone else with our organization does that this isn't the only place in the world where shadows exist. And then what do we do when the same thing happens to another city? Do we just wipe them out one by one until there's no humanity left?! If that's the case, why not just sit back, do nothing, and let the shadows do our job for us? After all, if starving the shadows is enough to eliminating then why bother stopping them at all? They'll wipe themselves out by wiping humanity out!"

She turned her back on Crux, taking a few steps away. If that was really how he felt, then she had nothing more to say to him. If he acted on that conclusion, she would destroy him, right down to the personality module. What stopped her was the realization that that wasn't the first time the thought of wiping out human life had come up. It was a scenario she had considered as well, early on during the mission. It was also one quickly discarded. "I thought like that too, once," she said, her voice notably calmer. "I thought I might be able to bring down this anomaly by killing everyone inside. But then I came to the same realization that I just told you. If the solution to our mission was to eliminate their food source, then there was no point in us existing at all. All humanity would have to do is lie down and die and the shadows would eventually do the job for us." She shook her head. "No, killing humans is even less a part of our mission than getting involved with them. We were created to fight with them or in their stead, and protect them."

This wasn't where she had wanted this conversation to go. She had wanted an opinion from a fellow machine on where she stood, with regards to her own semblance of humanity. And now that she'd gotten it, she was certain that she'd come to the wrong source. Perhaps Vincent would have given her a better answer, despite being a soldier through and through.

She took a step away, but then turned her head to look back at Crux. Though her face was no longer contorted in anger, she still fixed him with a cold glare. "You want a reason to keep living? Find it yourself. That's not a mission. That's not something that can just be handed to you. All you've been 'given' is the inability to take your own life and a job to do so long as you're still here. Anything else, only you can give yourself. Likewise, the only person I can truly give a reason to live is myself. And I've already done that." Another step away, and she was back to facing forward. "If you still want to die after that, that's on you. Good luck. I won't stop you."